I was watching “Remember the Titans” today. I used to get really emotional about football movies. They were actually the only movies that could make me cry, ever.
I watched it today and it just made me sad.
It made me sad because I forgot what football felt like. Walking on to a field where all of your family and friends are watching and everyone else is reading about it. The ecstasy of victory and the intense pain of defeat under the public eye was such a strong way to experience life.
Football was life on ecstacy. Everything intensified where no other emotions before or after can compare.
That is gone from me now, and there is no one left to root for me, or motivate me, or tell me what to do, or to celebrate with, or to mourn with. I am simply alone.
Its strange to think that I spent 3 years of my high school football career alone on the team and I cling to the bond I felt in the last season where i was on a team that not only needed me, but wanted me. I felt that for the previous years I was cast out because I was just a nice guy. I didn’t hang out with people who mistreated others because that wasn’t my scene, but that was who the team was. I was often picked on because I couldn’t stand up against them in their violent verbal bouts. Needless to say the issues never became physical because although they were big, I was as big as them. Apparently not worth risking a fight with me I guess. Or maybe none of us wanted to throw the first punch.
But I digress, because even when I was alone on the team, I still felt the pride of my town pushing me to succeed and my coaches telling me the what to do, how to do, and why to do. That was more than enough to sustain me.
Then by the race and glory of God, hearts and minds changed and I became part of the team. That made the experience of being on a team, a real team, not only bearable, but enjoyable.
Together, for 4 years, not counting the years before high school, I waged war weekly, I prepared daily, I bragged often and had what it took to back up my words. I was proud, motivated, and extraordinary.
Today, I know I am amazing because the Lord made me so, but then, I knew I was amazing because I made me so.
College has introduced me to the outdoors, but outside of that it has done little for me. I feel that it has all the colors of me and blend them into grey. I have no one supporting me, no fans, few bragging rights, and not much to be proud of.
To condense all of this into a few words, I miss passion and intensity in my life. I miss competition, I miss joy, I miss pain, I miss ecstacy, I miss football